living way up here

August 5, 2005

I wrote this about two years ago: 

8/5/2005
Some days you have a funny feeling. It might just be hormones, so it might not matter. But it might not be and then you start to worry.

I feel a bit isolated lately. My family has been pretty distant. Outside of my brother, I haven’t talked to momma or pop in at least two weeks. This is very unusual.

Pop turns 49 on August 15 – so I imagine we’ll speak then. When I hear from my mom – she does say she misses me, but stops short of an invite.

Come to think of it – I’ve been here in New York for six years and I’ve never actually been invited to either of my parents’ homes.

I usually announce that I’m coming “home” and then various relatives state their availability. I’ve never really known what to expect if I didn’t announce an impending visit to Maryland.

Obviously my parents feel more than a bit awkward with my gay lover so they are not fighting for my company. This makes me feel like crap. Most times, I don’t think about it. It is easier because I don’t live close to them. At the same time, it can be difficult though.

I realize I must be craving some sort of familial acceptance. The kind that I won’t have with parents I’ve been given. This is not new. I don’t think my parents have approved of much I have done. They are probably a bit curious as to why I stayed in New York after law school. Perhaps I don’t give them enough credit.

They realize that I can avoid their gaze living way up here.

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